don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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