My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
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I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
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If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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