Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
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