just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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