I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Please don't give away my fajitas
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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