I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
