Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
