just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
