I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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