i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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