I must be too annoying 4 u.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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