I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
