Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
