why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Randomize
