It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
