She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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