Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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