Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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