my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
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