Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
