the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Randomize
