I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
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