Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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