you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
