Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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