my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Randomize
