I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
