I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
