Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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