make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
