i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
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How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
It's blow job season.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I came so hard my ears popped.
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