Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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