I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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