Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
