Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
