Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
