You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
