Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I have feelings that need drinking.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
