He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
