If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
