she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
