Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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