toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
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He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
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We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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