Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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