maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
