he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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