Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
