I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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