Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
