apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?