I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen