Your dad touched me again.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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