spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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