Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
